When the photons of the dark sun make the demons crawl from the deep abyss of my mind

“Maybe, just maybe, there is no purpose in life… but if you linger a while longer in this world, you might discover something of value in it.”

– Orochimaru Sensei

On some days, it feels like the demons again finally get success in chasing me and pinning me down. They have been after me for weeks. A different kind of feeling engulfs me and take me to the deep abyss of feelings that I don’t understand. The worst thing is that I don’t even know the language to explain the things I feel.

Right now, the result of everything is that I’m feeling frustrated and irritated. It is not the first time I’m experiencing this. Didn’t I mention that I had been chased by these demons time and again!

And they always find me, no matter how persistent I was. There is nothing more persistent than their chase. They never leave a minutest of a chance to create an opening to fulfill their goal.

To me, these demons appear like a dark Sun that shines bright with a dark light. And like the Sun, its dark light finds the way. No one could stop it from rising. Sooner or later, the clouds hiding me give up, the sky gets clear, and it shines bright with its dark light.

Every single photon of this dark light that falls on me, weakens me.

This dark light reaches all the wrong abysses. And crevasses that are meant to have stayed away from, it takes me there– forcefully, make me stand in front of the crack, and push me into it.

All my knowledge of not falling into the crevasse goes out of the window. And I find myself at the bottom, surrounded by the tall steep walls of ice.

It is cold, it is dark, there is only freezing ice around. I go numb and think about all the things that are not good.

All the things I have been through during a good part of my life. All the bad words and the hate speeches that were dedicated to me dearly. I see nothing good. Coldness engulfs me. It feels as if a polar bear is squeezing me until it breaks my rib cage.

It is too much for me to handle is what I think all the while I’m surrounded by the ice walls. I wish no one ever finds her/himself in such a place.

Someday, unlike today, I question what is the meaning of this hell of coldness called life? All I have been seeing people going through is suffering – in one form or another – since I have come to my senses.

The only change I see in myself today than the other similar days is that I blame no one for my situations.

When I think of who is responsible for throwing me into the crevasse, no name appears in my head. That’s the only ray of light from the SUN that shines bright.

The kind of ray that infuses life, that thwarts the ice and kills the coldness. The ray that has warmth.

I have accepted the fact that hardly anyone matters to me or I do matter to anyone. I don’t know why I have written the previous sentence but it is true.

On some level, I’m convinced that whatever I have been doing or will do in the future, is futile, is useless, and is totally a waste of energy, and is going to be cleared from the face of the earth like it never happened ever or was built ever.

Whatever thoughts I have been thinking, have been thought by millions of people before. Some of them are alive and breathing. The majority of them are dead.

The funny thing is that the count of the number of dead people that went through what I have been going through is only going to increase. Always.

Sorry, it wasn’t funny but dead disheartening.

Those who are dead, the majority of them are unknown. No one knows them. A handful of them was able to leave their mark on this planet by leaving something like a book, manual, sculpture, etc. But the vast majority, nobody has a clue about their existence.

I have no desire to end among the handful. There is no motivation left in me for things like that.

All I want is to be happy but there is no desire or motivation left in me to chase happiness. I don’t want to chase my own tail and run in a circle. Period.

I don’t understand anything about this. Maybe in the future, I will. Maybe I learn one day to tame these demons. Maybe I learn the drill to use my ice-ax in a way to save myself from falling into the crack.

I’ll keep trying. That’s the only thing I have ever known.

“Humans… Do humans have a purpose when they are born? I have been wondering recently. Because they are born, do they have an important duty? The meaning of being born… For humans to find that answer… It is the one freedom God gave them.” – Kimimaro